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I left my husband and his meth abuse, any advice?


blue
eyez
1071
I left my husband and his meth abuse, any advice?
I left my husband 2 months ago after finding 2 glass pipes hidden in a sock under our end table. I have been dealing with the hidding stuff, lies and hopeless feelings for 7 years. He went to jail last year, after hitting me when he was coming down. Spent 9 months in the county jail, was supposed to go to Teen Challenge and then said he'd been away from his family (3 girls and myself) too long and knew he could do it on his own. Me, of course, loveing him and missing him, said "ok"..........big mistake! I told him many times if I found anything else, crumpled aluminum foil, straws, cut off pens, baggies, anything the kids and I were gone. That night, I left, drained the last $250 out of our account, got a motel room, sent the kids to my mothers 300 miles away and haven't been back except for with a police escort to get our clothes. Left everything, a home we were buying, the perfect job, all our friends.....Now, he has people over constantly, this being a man who said he had not one friend, Mr. popular now. My heart hurts for him, for our family, I don't know what to do. He has lost the house, any minute now the sheriff will do a lock out, he has not worked since January, lost everything. He came 300 miles yesterday to see us, we stayed in a motel room as he is not allowed at my families home. He asked me to throw away the pipe that was in his pocket. I broke it and trashed it (my feelings not like he cant get another one!)....He told me this morning before leaving that last night was the most sleep he has gotten since we left, usually, if any at all it's like 3-4 hours and someone shows up. He said he wants to go to Teen Challenge now but because of him hitting me, he is ordered to go to domestic violence classes and doesn't know how to put the classes aside so he can go to rehab. Does anyone know how this can be done? He is finally willing to go, I know TC has almost 90% sucess rate, I also have very strong beliefs in God and Jesus Christ and believe people can be healed, he was once a man of God and now says my God is a joke. How can a merciful God take a mans family and home? What he doesn't understand is the drugs/satan did this. He is blinded by his addiction and yet, I see so much hope because he is willing to go to a Christian based rehab.....I was reading a few of the other posts and can so relate, I have dealt with this for so long, this is my husband, my kids father, the man I vowed to stick with for better or worse, but at the same time, I can not put my children in a home with drug use, the anger of his come downs, the arguing because I know he is hiding things. How can I be supportive yet not co dependant? I love this man with all my heart and more, he is not the same person, but I can still look into his eyes as I did yesterday and see my husband in there, like a scared child, hiding in a corner. I told him he has 3 choices, death, that's so final, prison, possibly years away from his family, kids, a gaurd watching his every move, telling him when he can breathe fresh air, make a phone call, shower....Or give 12-16 months to an intreatment rehab where your chances of living a sober life are better than the road he is traveling now. I am sorry this was so long, but I don't know where else to turn. If anyone has any advice or recommendations or anything, please, please post back.
Thank you!
     Replies...
chris
gonz
Re: I left my husband and his meth abuse, any advice?
Those are definately choices he has. Hopefully he choose inpatient before the others get him.

You can love and support him from a safe distance.

When/if he goes to rehab, that will be the beginning of his deciding if recovery is what he wants.

Stay strong and with your parents.
Sorry this has gone on so long for you.
Nice
Devil
945
Re: I left my husband and his meth abuse, any advice?
I am so sorry for your pain.
You have taken one of the best and smartest steps you could by sharing your story here
The advice you will get from people here is full of the best wisdom you find, and it is full of understanding and compassion.

You absolutely did the right thing in leaving. Everyone who oives with an addict faces that question on a daily basis and it is never an easy decision to make, but eventually for many it is a decision that must be made. You did the right thing. Moving out does not mean you don;t care and love your husband. it means you are being smart. You MUST take care of your kids first, then you.

Your husband did this. Not you. Do not feel guilty.
Go to Narc Anon.
Come here as often as you can. Read the posts. Share your stories. You will feel better just for talking and you will here comments from people who know what you are going through and they will be able to help you.

You cannot change your husband or make him quit. He must do that on his own.
The best thing you can do for him is to stay healthy, keep your kids safe and healthy. Set the boundaries you need to and then make sure he honors them.

Good luck and keep us up to date.
chick
peakiwi
Re: I left my husband and his meth abuse, any advice?
yes, setting boundaries, well my ex has only just started respecting what I want.

no CONTACT. It has been 2 months since I ask my addict to leave and I had to change my home line, change my mobile number and I almost had to take out a no contact protection order, he started turning up at my workplace, and just recently turned up on my street where I live. He has since made no contact.

Unfortunately he cant accept that we are over. Just another consequence of his drug use. I dont like accepting it myself but in my eyes I had no choice but to let go for my sanity and for his. I did all I could to help him.

If I did not find this forum I would have not had a clue what I would have been in for if I remained in the relationship. I am very grateful to all of the advice that I have been given on this board.

Keep coming here, learn all you can about this addiction. I come here for comfort these days.
Meth
Phobia
Re: I left my husband and his meth abuse, any advice?
Hey Girl...my hair stands when I read your post cos it only brought back the horrible feelings I went through just not too long ago...
Quote:
I love this man with all my heart and more, he is not the same person, but I can still look into his eyes as I did yesterday and see my husband in there, like a scared child, hiding in a corner.
This was such a familiar feeling...we love them so much and just can't figure out why they choose to throw everything away and run into the arms (tentacles?) of meth rather than to be in the warmth and comfort of a nice, loving and happy family.

From my lesson, I've learnt that living with an active user is a NO NO...for the welfare of ourselves and our kids...and that nothing you do or say will make an addict quit or decide to turn around...

My husband was an active user and like yours he turned our whole world upside down...worse than a thousand Hurricane Katrinas!!!...I tried everything I could to the best of my ability...soft love, tough love, no love...but NOTHING worked...HE finally made the decision to quit himself and is now in day 49 of recovery.

The good news is that recovery is possible and there is hope for your family to be happy together again...but the bad news is until he decides to turn around there is pretty much nothing you can do but to pray really, really hard...
blue
eyez
1071
Re: I left my husband and his meth abuse, any advice?
Thanks for the replies, this morning, I wake with tears again. I had been doing so well, but I think waking again, without him is hitting me in a big way. I think this board is just what i need, so I will be back.....God bless you all!
another
family
messed
upby
meth
Re: I left my husband and his meth abuse, any advice?
"..He told me this morning before leaving that last night was the most sleep he has gotten since we left, usually, if any at all it's like 3-4 hours and someone shows up. He said he wants to go to Teen Challenge now but because of him hitting me, he is ordered to go to domestic violence classes and doesn't know how to put the classes aside so he can go to rehab. Does anyone know how this can be done? He is finally willing to go"

The reason he isn't sleeping isn't because you left and his friends show up. It's because he's using meth. What I read in the post above is that he's blaming you, indirectly, for his lack of sleep and his not going to rehab. Don't fall for it. He needs to do his DV classes, and he CAN start his recovery at the same time, if that's what he wants. He is making excuses, imo. Don't get suckered back in. Keep moving forward and working on putting together a life for you and your kids, and let HIM worry about HIS recovery. If he wants it, he will get it. In your question "does anyone know how this can be done", I see you making yourself responsible for finding a way to get him clean. It will never work that way.
jtjk Re: I left my husband and his meth abuse, any advice?
This is my first post and your post stood out right away. As I read it I started crying, as I sit here and wonder when I will hear from my husband on Mothers Day. WE are still together, I left him about two and a half years ago due to his use. We stayed apart for a little over a year. I saw him deteriorate and felt guilty, I love him with all my heart so I though if we get back together he will get happy again (he said it was because I left him that he was so depressed that he did it even more). We have been together for about a year now and we are about to lose our house and he is still using. He says he wants to quit and does for a couple of days (sleeps most of the time then). When he feels better he leaves again and is supposedly gone all of the time "working" but we have no money to pay our bills. He will not give up his friends that do the drug. It is so easy to think that love can fix everything. I have been through all of what you describe. I think that you are a strong person, and I encourage you to stay strong until he has went ot rehab. My prayers are with you.
25 years
but
no more
Re: I left my husband and his meth abuse, any advice?
Welcome to the board! Hi, my name is Carol. I used meth for 25 years and I have been clean for almost 2 years now. I never believed in god before, but a friend introduced me to god a little over 2 years ago. There is no doubt in my mind that god has played a part in my recovery. It sounds to me like YOU have done everything that YOU can do. Wishing you brighter days ahead!
blue
eyez
1071
Re: I left my husband and his meth abuse, any advice?
thank you all for the support. It's been a rough weekend, after seeing him Friday and him going home Saturday, my heart hurts today pretty stinking bad! Please, if you have the time, pray, they say prayer is the key......
angie
Ncali
Re: I left my husband and his meth abuse, any advice?
The Salvation Army is a free program - and they have counseling and anger management as part of their treatment.

Might be worth checking out - then he could get it all done at the same time.
blue
eyez
1071
Re: I left my husband and his meth abuse, any advice?
Thank you Angie! I will check out SA...see what our options are. I say "our" because we are one, even if we are not together, I have to continue to show him I am here mentally and will support him however I have too! I see too that you are from N. Cali? May I ask where about? I am in Manteca *(ewww)* don't care for it, but maybe once things settle down, it will be ok!
nine
years
clean
Re: I left my husband and his meth abuse, any advice?
Quote:
see what our options are. I say "our" because we are one, even if we are not together, I have to continue to show him I am here mentally and will support him however I have too!
Hi blue eyes:

I'm sorry, and I might get blasted by others for this, but I disagree with your use of the word "OUR" in that sentence.

It is not YOUR addiction, it is HIS and HIS ALONE.

You are asking more of yourself than you can give if you lead him to believe that you are in his addiction with him, and that you can lead him out of his addiction.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you certainly can't cure it.

I am not saying to abandon him; I am not saying to walk away and not support HIS efforts to recover from HIS addiction.

That is your call, not mine.

But I want you to realize that they are not "OUR" options, they are HIS options.

Welcome sweetheart. My name is Lori and I was addicted to meth for 13 long years. I'll be clean ten years in July, and I'll turn 50 years old in August.

WE DO RECOVER, but nobody can do it for us. Only I was responsible for the choice I made all those years ago to start using meth. Only I was responsible for the choice I made all those years later to stop using meth.
mara
kris
Re: I left my husband and his meth abuse, any advice?
I can relate to all of the horror that I hear from the mates of addicts. I lived a nightmare for 6 years, losing custody of my children that I had homeschooled and stayed at home with for 13 years. He is my 2nd husband and a total nightmare of a man. I have been through domestic violence training and a 2 month stay at a shelter while he stayed in our apartment and had sex with men, women and teens. Always lieing, lieing lieing. I have only been trying to stay alive since I met him.. I have been physically, emotionally and spiritually abused in every way I can imagine, oh yeah, sexually too. I get to feel, like I am worthless because meth and alcohol are better than me. So, I decided to try some!! When he was in jail AGAIN last year, I found a new guy that turned me on to it......and after all of the pain.......I understand how someone could behave in the way that he does. I got hooked up on it too and now consider myself a recovering addict. Isn't it wonderful? I was a yoga teacher, a personal trainer, but most of all a MOTHER. A GREAT one too. I lost everything, homes, all of my belongings a bunch of times, all associates, business or otherwise. I was and still is a big tit for tat game. He still drinks, I told him for the 10 millionth time that I won't tolerate it.....
I think that this is incredibly stupid. And I never want to be with anyone like this again. I also realize, by using meth that, what I really didn't understand all the while, searching, doing the FBI thing. He can totally control it, he is making lame excuses and honestly doesn't deserve any chances. But for now, I am trapped in my own hell of his creation. He doesn't want to split up and we have the police record to prove it. I am trying to grow and deal daily. I am going to be ok, I hate to see other people live their lives, waste their lives on ungrateful addicts. They are so not worth it. Look inside yourself, you really don't know how much that it is your own low self esteem that makes you stay. I know it now, and that is the only issue that I am allowing myself to focus on. He can sleep with the world, smoke whatever, drink whatever. He can go to hell.

See also:

Broken and torn about husband's meth use

Husband / Boyfriend Use of Meth Topics


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