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Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using for a meth addict to quit


Tender
heartsKS
Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using for a meth addict to quit using
Before I ever faced the true nature of my addiction, I was busy trying to take care of my addict (now ex-husband). It used to drive me nuts that no matter what I did, no matter how much love I showed him in every way possible that I could think of, that he could NOT see the pain/suffering he was causing. I did not understand why love alone wasn't enough to 'cure' him.

It wasn't until I was taken to rehab myself that I learned of the disease concept of addiction. Yes, I know, there are those who will argue it is not a disease, but I firmly believe it is. The disease concept makes it much easier for me to understand why I did what I did, in spite of everyone's best efforts, and also my ex, and my oldest daughter, who is still using to this day. It has also helped me to detach with love from the addict.

Cancer is a disease. No matter how much we love someone, we cannot 'cure' them or put their cancer into remission. It is the same for addiction. That isn't to say that love and support can't help someone who is in recovery.

My oldest stopped by yesterday with the grandchildren. It's sad because I look at her now, and the daughter I used to know isn't there, at least not visibly. I know that daughter is there deep inside somewhere, but for now, the disease has taken over her. I have no more control over her disease than I do the war in Iraq.

I had to let go and let God when it came to my oldest daughter and my ex. I know, for me, I had to reach a bottom where I was finally able to reach out and ask something greater than me to release me from my hell and help me start my life over. The addicts in my life deserve the same opportunity in their lives to either eventually embrace recovery, or live their addictions till they die.

For those of you who are asking at this moment, why can't love be enough? It's simple. You are no longer dealing with just a human being, you are dealing with a disease that has completely taken over his/her soul. Although I can be sarcastic and skeptical at times, I still believe in the inherent goodness of mankind, and I have yet, over the past 20 years, to meet a recovering addict/alcoholic who wasn't a kind, caring, loving soul.

I continue to keep everyone in my prayers, my own family, the still-suffering addict, and all of you out there whose lives have been forever changed because of the addict/s in your lives.
     Replies...
hussie
dors
Re: Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using
Tenderhearts ,, I was very interested to read your post. Since my addict left I have been searching for knowledge about what has happened to him, what has happened to me. I have only just started reading up about codependency, and I must say that what I have read so far, has left me feeling to blame, that he is where he is today. Actually it it has left me feeling quite worthless. It seems that whatever approach I try it just doesn't work. How are we supposed to be there for them, and yet be told to let them make their own mistakes. When I let him run wild with his drugs he just about destroys the place. So what do we do at that point.? Kick them out, turn our backs on them. ? I also read that codependents say they do what they do because they love the addict. But the authors of these articles , come across as if that is a bad thing. I really am getting confused about it all. Perhaps I am reading the wrong articles, and maybe I am trying to absorb to much to soon. Oh well I guess it is going to take a lot longer than I thought to understand all of this. I will continue to read all the interesting posts.
Sfj Re: Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using
You have no idea how much I debated before I decided yes or no in replying to this post. I agree with what you say. I'd also like to add that love has many different definitions, manifestations, and even translations. The Greeks, use different words, some would be similar to erotic love, family or parental love, divine love, brotherly love, romantic love and so on. There are many forms and a good interpreter or translator might find many variations and meanings. I do not want to get into a definition discussion about a word though.

Anyhow, I can tell you about one particular young fellow. The dude was pretty strung out on speed, LSD, and occasionally pot. One day he happened to meet what he considered to be a rather attractive young lady. But the magic of young romance went into high gear. Let's say, he ?Fell In Love? with her. In fact, he was infatuated, he was overwhelmed by her and quite honestly, it was almost like a fairy tale . It was a new feeling for him, something he hadn't really experienced before. He was so enthralled that all the typical cliché such as swimming shark infested waters, climbing the highest mountain, and fighting off man-eating alligators, were phrases that could have been used to describe how he felt. Yes, he was young, impressionable and hopelessly head over heels in love with this girl. He knew she would not tolerate a relationship with a meth user. So he quit using. He really did. And He stayed quit.

I've also seen addicts suddenly quit using drugs upon having a serious religious conversion such as being born-again and other descriptions of intensely extraordinary experience.

These situations are very rare, and cannot be planned or predicted, but every once in a while, they do happen.
chickp
eakiwi
Re: Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using
SFj, you have just described my EX!! He was my old school sweetheart and we had not been together for about 15 years until last year when we rekindled our relationship. He left Australia to come home to be with me. He said he never lost his love for me all those years!!

He was totally head over heels in love with me, while he was living in Australia he would phone me every night/day, text me numerous times a day and email me every morning.
He was/is obsessed and infatuated with me just like when we were teenagers.

He said he would do anything for me, moving home proved that, within 5 months he was on 'it' again knowing full well how I felt about drugs. This proved to me that our love for each other was not strong enough. I have had to accept that, however he has not. He will not give up since I let him go. He does understand my reasons and that he is a screw up...and that his addiction ruined every hope we had in a future. He still says he will do anything if only I gave him a chance to prove it to me AGAIN....ummm but my suggestion of seeking help is still falling on deaf ears.
He says he would have not choose meth over me if I had told him to choose WTF...
Love is not enough....
thefunny
farm9
Re: Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using
Tenderhearts..
It made me sad to read your post, and the others as well.
Is there really no hope for our addicts? It brings me to tears, my sister is deep into her recovery right now, but admittedly it is forced. Court ordered as a matter of fact. She seems so sincere and is doing so well. Is it only downhill from here?
Any thoughts????
Sfj Re: Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using
Yes,
Of Course there is hope. Hundreds and perhaps thousands of meth addicts recover everyday. This forum has plenty.
imlostinky Re: Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using
Where there is breath, there is always hope.
You may not be able to live with the person in the process- but there is always hope.
No love is not enough but it sure can get lucky sometimes and be a push in the right direction or a hand to help up.

There is always hope as long as there is breath.

Tender
heartsKS

Re: Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using
Quote:
Is there really no hope for our addicts? It brings me to tears, my sister is deep into her recovery right now, but admittedly it is forced. Court ordered as a matter of fact. She seems so sincere and is doing so well. Is it only downhill from here?
Any thoughts????
Oh no! I am not saying there is no hope! There is hope ,and miracles do happen. I am an example of hope and life after meth!

I know I do oversimplify things at times, and as SFJ pointed out, there can be many different interpretations of love. I simply share what has worked for me both in my own recovery from addictions, and my recovery from codependency.

I am just saying that no matter how much we love our addicts, that alone is not enough for the changes to occur, at least in my experience over the years.

Don't ever think there isn't hope!. My parents never ever quit praying for me. Their prayers were answered, just not in their time, but God's.
Guene Re: Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using
That was so beautiful and well said, thanks sometimes it helps to read things like that to help me keep my mind where it should be, thanks. Love and Hugs
the
funny
farm9
Re: Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using
Thank you for the replies. You all are the best Really!
This is uncharted territory for us (our family and my beloved sister) None of us really know what to do and I can't thank you all enough for the guidance. You are not only replying to me but all of our family.
Thanks much and we're all praying for all of you on this board for whatever reason and can't wait for you to meet "our addict"
She's beautiful and wonderful and really funny.
She progressing good in the halfway house, NA etc.
I can't wait for you to meet her.
Thanks all-it means a lot
Kell
happy
Re: Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using
I believe there is always hope, no matter how bad things get.

However, a person cannot "love" an addict "out of addiction". Only the addict can begin/produce/work at their own recovery. Knowing they have loved ones loving them might help, but if you have an addict in your life you cannot "fix" them, not even with all your love.

I'm not trying to say don't keep loving them...but make sure you (and they) know that you love them, but won't tolerate dangerous behavior or help them stay addicted. Sometimes you have to make very, very hard choices. The co-dependency thing is really hard. I am an addict (recovering) and a co-dependent, too. I think talking to other people about it is going to be more helpful than reading articles. It's easier to relate to people, and to hear stories and examples, to share and learn and feel.


I'm pretty sure there were some people who loved me while I was using (most didn't know I was using, I'll bet, I did everything I could to avoid people who loved me), and I have some wonderful people in my life. But their love did not save me. It was my "hitting bottom" and being so miserable that I was willing to change, to try anything. I was in hell, and I had to find that shred of hope, cling to it hard, and fight my way out. I think accepting the love of others is actually a tough thing for me. Maybe the toughest thing is learning to love myself. In treatment we talked about self-esteem and self-worth. It's tough for me to acknowledge my self-worth a lot of the time.

Maybe being able to love ourselves is what is enough....
scared
ma
Re: Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using
Tenderheart all I have to say is I THINK YOU ARE AWESOME. I really mean that. God Bless You.
sdm
sanjose
Re: Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using
 tell it like it is!

That is another reason why I admire TenderheartsKS.
Tender
hearts
KS
Re: Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using
Just some added thoughts after reading responses. I think Kell hit the nail on the head when she was talking about loving ourselves.

To me, this is also a disease of the heart, if you will. I knew people loved me, especially family, despite what I was doing to myself. I was incapable of feeling that love because my self-hatred and loathing was immense. It's like I was cut off from the neck down.

This is a disease of feelings. I sought to escape those feelings I didn't like, the damnable loneliness (I remember feeling incredibly lonely in a room full of people), the low self-esteem, the anger, frustration, and resentments. The euphoria from the drug temporarily blocked out those feelings. When the high was over, those feelings came flooding back tenfold. Thus the progression in my use of more frequently, and higher amounts.

I am so grateful today that I can experience the whole spectrum of feelings, even the unpleasant ones such as anger. Today I can work through those feelings, not bury them with chemical peace of mind.
 I am a recovering addict/alcoholic, and I have been clean and sober since August 5, 1990.
the
funny
farm9
Re: Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using
Thanks for the great advice, one thing I noted in your post that my sister mentioned today is the feeling actual feelings. She said that it has been so long since she has experienced anything without medicating it with meth, she is completely overwhelmed. But she is working hard at dealing with all of that.
Thanks for the advice, God Bless

starr
gazzer
1972

Re: Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using
My husband is an addict. I came here for help. I had to leave him for 6 months. I filed for divorce and I was miserable. He had to hit rock bottom to see what he was doing to me and our family. He now understands the consequences of his actions. But love will not cure them. Sometimes we have to walk away from them in order for them to see. I have my husband back...drug free. He had to want this for him, not me or the kids.

Broken

Re: Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using
I believe LOVE is exactly what many people need to quit Meth or any addiction for that matter. At least it is in my case.. ...let me finish before you judge me please. I am talking about loving ones self...

I spent a life time hating myself and everyone and thing in the world. When you have nothing to live for except the next high...well its pretty hard to give that up...

But if someone would just happen to show you some love and that your worthy of being loved...well then you find a whole knew reason to live.

Love is a beautiful thing and nothing in the world is stronger or can overcome love.42-daze Peace Broken
It covers all things,
it has faith for all things,
it hopes in all things,
it endures in all things.
thefunny
farm9
Re: Why love isn't enough for a meth addict to quit using
Broken,
Thanks for that post. You made my day
That is exactly what I am trying to give my sister. I know its not the same as a spouse or sig other, but she has neither so I am trying to show her she has someone that cares no matter what.
I am not leaving her (mentally) during her recovery and if she stumbles, I will help her up. I hope she won't though because what you said about Love is so right.
My sister cannot believe that we all love her-she thought she was alone for so long.
Its sad that it was only when she got into trouble that we all showed how much we love her.
If I could go back in time I would but I can't so I just want to be here for her now.
My sister is 51 days clean today*******
Hooray

See also:

A plan for helping a loved one who uses meth

Do loved ones ever learn to love again?

Why do people take drugs


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